All We've Lost
by MidnyteRayne
Summary: Buffy reflects on the direction her life and heart have taken since arriving in Sunnydale 10 years ago and the one thing she misses the most Angel. BuffyAngel angst at first but lots of action after about Chapter 5.
1. Chapter 1

It was 9 years ago that I found my heart. I look back on it now, sadly, remembering as if it were yesterday. I was young and naïve then. I looked upon the future with bright eyes and a hopeful destiny; believing, knowing, determined that our love would last forever. In a way, I guess it has.

It was 8 years ago that I thought my life had ended. The day I sent my soul to hell. I wanted to forget who I was – forget everything that I had become. Without him I believed I was nothing. In a way, I was right.

It was 7 years ago that I died. Not in the literal sense. Not in the way I had once before and once since. This was a much more painful death. This was the type of death where I was required to go on acting as though I was still alive. It closely resembled the feeling of being ripped from Heaven. I left my heart next to an ambulance that day, when I watched him walk away, and felt as though I would never breathe again. In a way, I haven't.

It was 3 years ago that I remembered where I left my heart. He came in, saving me, reminding me of how connected we are. The moment I looked in his eyes, I remembered where my heart was, where it had always been. When we kissed, I felt alive for the first time in many years. We both had so many things to accomplish before we could reclaim the life that was rightfully ours, however. I told him I wasn't done 'baking' yet. He understood. I know he did. He always does. He knew that one day, I would return to him. In a way, I never left.

It was only 2 days ago that everything changed. When I first moved to Rome after the fall of Sunnydale, I tried my hardest to put my pieces back together. There were many ingredients to this girl called Buffy and I figured it was time to get them all together in one neat, tiny package of a cookie. I was tired of being cookie dough; tired of living each and every day fighting for the air that my lungs so desperately needed. I remember the day I heard about the fight in Los Angeles. I felt my world crumbling around me. Felt myself crumbling into tiny shattered pieces on the floor where I somehow remained standing. He hadn't called me, hadn't asked for help. I understood though. I understood that this was his time to bake; his time to prove that he had a purpose here; his time to find salvation. 

I knew at the time that I couldn't go to L.A. and help him fight. That knowledge, however, did not keep me from sending some hundred plus newly activated slayers to help. I gave them the strictest orders to save as many of Angel's friends as possible, to kill as many demons as they could, and make sure that Angel survived. A lot of the slayers never returned. The ones that did, however, were mostly sure that Angel was okay but none were able to assure me with certainty. I figure I would know if he wasn't. I felt confident in that.

Of course I dated other people. Deep down, however, I always knew that the relationships were going nowhere. My heart belonged to one man and that man alone was able to call it home. About a year ago, I started dating this guy named Jason. He was nice enough, surely the type of guy that most women would have spent their lives pining for. Not this woman though, not this woman who's heart already belonged to someone else. Now, I'm not trying to say that I led any of these guys on. I did my best to assure them that I had no intention for any long term commitments. Jason, however, did not receive those signals – or, he chose to ignore them all together.

Jason and I met when Dawnie and I were touring the Pantheon one day. I had just excused myself from the group to make a quick stop at the restroom when 'smack' I ran right into the rippling chest of a gorgeous man with eye length wavy blonde hair and electric blue eyes. Now, had I not had a very Buffy like moment and been paying more attention to where I was walking than the pamphlet that the tour guide had given me, I wouldn't have met him and effectively flipped him on his back as my absentmindedness caused his walking to catch me completely off guard. Then, as he lay there staring up at me with a bewildered expression, the strangest thing happened. I started laughing. I don't know why it happened and I couldn't figure out how to make it stop, but before I knew it, he was laughing along with me.

We were inseparable for the next 3 months. Jason was also American but he had spent the last 13 years in Rome and knew a lot about it's sights and history. He took me everywhere and told me stories about things that happened there, long in the past, and I often caught myself wondering if Angel had been there during that time, or if he had somehow been a part of anything he was talking about. Pushing those thoughts aside I continued to spend most of my free time with him. We never proceeded to anything romantic or sexual until we had been friends for nearly 10 months. I was very hesitant at the time to proceed to a deeper level with him. Hesitant that he would want something more than I could give. That was a year ago and while I continued to watch Jason fall deeper and deeper, I continued to reassure him that I was not looking for a commitment. Recently, I realized that he was trying to head our relationship in a direction that I was certainly not comfortable with and I was trying to find a way to gently let him down and break everything off when everything came crashing down.

We were out at this elegant restaurant named Da Fortunato Al Pantheon. Suitable, I figure as we met at the Pantheon and this restaurant was created as a reminder of it's beauty and majesty in every detail and design. We were just finishing up the main course when he suddenly had this very serious expression on his face and I had this sinking, 'not good', feeling. Then, in the blink of an eye it happened. A small diamond ring was perched carefully in his hand and he was asking the infamous, but dreaded in my case, question. Problem was, I couldn't say 'no'. I couldn't, however, say 'yes' either and found myself faced with quite a dilemma. Jason was nice, smart, funny, and handsome; but he didn't own my heart. That belonged to someone else. Suddenly, however, as I prepared myself to let him down gently, I found myself filled with doubt. What if Angel had decided that he liked life without me in it? What if he had decided to move on with his life? I had heard that he was seeing a woman named Nina. What if he decided that she was his heart? What if he had tossed my heart aside? Would I ever find it again? And if I did, would I be making a huge mistake by letting Jason go?

After muttering something about needing to think about things, needing to consider how Dawn fit into all of this, how the rest of my life did, he seemed upset but willing to wait for my answer. Damn him for being so sweet. I went home that night and packed a suitcase. After a lifetime, or what may have been only a few minutes, Willow was able to locate Angel using her scrying abilities – jointly reassuring me that he was still alive (er, undead?) and that I would be able to find him – and I bought a plane ticket for Los Angeles, my heart, and my destiny.


	2. Chapter 2

As my plane made it's descent into Los Angeles Airport, I realized that the plane wasn't the only thing sinking. Had I made a mistake by coming to Los Angeles? After Willow was able to narrow down Angel's general location, I managed to track down Angel's specific whereabouts through some of the still very effective connections that I had in California – underground connections, that is. Putting all of my ducks in a row, I took a moment to telephone my dad and let him know that I was coming into Los Angeles for a visit. I guess I figured, why pay for a Hotel when dad's spare bedroom was free. What can I say; I'm only human after all.

Grabbing my suitcase off of the baggage claim, I quickly – or not so quickly – made my way through customs and outside, jumping into one of the many cabs creating a yellow barrier outside of the building. I had considered going to my father's house first, dropping off my baggage, and then going to find Angel. After careful consideration, however, I decided that if things didn't turn out very well, I could easily get back onto a plane to Rome without having to explain to my father's face why his daughter was running from Los Angeles so soon after she had arrived.

Giving the cabbie the address that Willow had assured me was the last location he was known to be, I sat back and took my first deep breath in nearly 10 years. 'It's now or never Buffy' I told myself, 'No going back now'. The cab driver attempted to make small talk while we continued on, I'm assuming, as an attempt to distract me from the unsettling mixture of cigarette smoke, body odor, and – fish? that overwhelmed the inside of his automobile. He told me that his name was Brian, 26, and a native of L.A. I wondered, momentarily, if perhaps I was supposed to recognize him from Hemery High, but figured that Los Angeles has many high schools and it was highly unlikely that I knew him.

After another 15 minutes of small talk, he stopped the cab and I looked out the window at a small brown apartment building located in what I would certainly not classify as one of the nicest neighborhoods in town. Paying the fair with a ten dollar tip, I climbed out of the cab, thanked Brian, and took a moment to gain an orientation of my surroundings. Now, had I been a female that wasn't the Slayer, there was certainly no way you would have found me alone in this neighborhood. If I had been asked to provide an example of a 'tough neighborhood' this one would have been at the top of my list. Reassured that I could certainly take care of myself, two apocalypses under my belt and all, I started making my way toward the apartments.

An older gentleman in his late sixties was standing outside of the building, probably one of the poor unfortunate souls unlucky enough to call the streets their home. He seemed relatively settled in at his location and I assumed that he had probably been at this spot for quite some time. Approaching him, I squatted down, putting myself at his eye level and simply said "Angel" I'm not really sure if it was a question or a statement, but the gentleman seemed to understand what I was looking for and with a nod pointed toward a set of stairs leading to the lower level apartments, often called 'garden view' in nicer accommodations, and went back to sorting through the large bag of items in front of him.

With a gentle "thank you" I began making my way down the stairs, unsure of how I planned on finding the correct apartment; it's not as if I was likely to find a name plate outside of his home designating this as 'Angel's Place'. The narrow staircase leading down was made of concrete and created a tomb like feeling as I descended it. Oddly, I didn't much mind the feeling, it made this area feel cut off from the rest of the world, somehow making it seem safer. I realized, however, that the safe feeling I was experiencing had little to do with being cut off from the rest of the world; it was because I felt him. Angel was here and every bone in my body knew it, like his soul was singing out to mine, calling me nearer, deeper, longingly drawn into the only light in the dark abyss of my existence.

There was only one door in the lower level, leading me to assume that the entire lower floor was converted to one apartment. It took me a few moments to gain the courage to make any motions beyond staring at the wooden door before me and after enough deep breaths to make me feel seriously light headed, I lifted my hand and knocked.


	3. Chapter 3

It felt like an eternity before I heard movement behind the wooden door I was now determined led to my destiny. After a few excruciatingly long moments, the door opened slightly to reveal a woman around 30. My brain took a moment as I stared at her, noticing how delicately beautiful she was, before I slowly began to stutter my apologies and move away from the door. Then I heard it. Softly, gently, from the inner sanctum of the apartment, I heard a simply question, "Nina, who is it?" and my world shattered. This woman belonged in that apartment and that apartment belonged to Angel. Or, at least that voice did. Perhaps, the deep recesses of my mind considered, this woman belonged to Angel.

I didn't realize how long I must have been standing there, staring, shocked; feeling as though my world had fallen around me; feeling as if the proverbial cookie had finally crumbled. It must have been quite some time however, for the next time I looked up my eyes didn't meet confused blue eyes, it met concerned brown ones, brown eyes attached to a man I had waited so long to see again, a man I wish I was invisible to right now. Quickly collecting both myself and my suitcase I stuttered a form of apology for intruding and attempted to both quickly and gracefully make my way up the stairs. Coming here had been a mistake. I knew that now. I wish I had known that yesterday, but you know what they say; hindsight is 20/20.

I just about made it to the very top of the stairs, at which I had every intention in breaking into a full speed run, when a very strong, yet gentle, hand clasped my upper arm. I didn't want to turn around. I didn't want to look into those eyes and I certainly didn't want to let him see the tears that were threatening to spill from mine. I heard him say my name quietly, gently, and I suddenly hated my name. Somehow, it never managed to sound as beautiful coming from anyone's lips but his. Taking a moment to collect myself I turn to look at him when a sudden realization hits me. Here we were, vampire and slayer, the epitome of star-crossed lovers, but that somehow, for the first time ever, that wasn't the incredible thing; the fact that we were standing out in broad daylight was the truly unbelievable thing. My eyes quickly went to the hand grasping me and then roamed over his entire being. There was no sign of the sun's effects, none other, I realized, than a slight sun-kissed tone to his generally fair pallor.

He stared down at me, realizing what I had noticed and his concerned expression turned to one of shame. I forcefully removed my arm from his grasp and sighed in relief as a taxi chose that moment to come toward us. This was certainly not what I had intended to find when I came back to L.A. Then again, I always seem to revert to a silly, naïve teenager where Angel is concerned. I suppose, even after all of this, I always will. Raising my arm, I flag down the taxi and take one last look at my Angel. He's human now. I realize that. He's been human for only God knows how long and he never came for me. As my heart broke one final time I tore my gaze from his and climbed into the back of the taxi muttering a quite "just drive". Stealing one final glance through the back window, I watch as Nelly, or was it Nancy, walks up beside him, standing where my broken heart lay.

It hadn't returned to me, I realize. After my heart shattered to a million pieces at his feet, it still hadn't come back. Instead, it lay there, somehow still hoping that he would scoop it up and put it back together. In that moment I realize that no matter what happens, no matter how many times my heart is broken by him, Angel is the only person that will ever be able to lay claim to it. I sat there, heart broken, dying inside, and still completely in love; knowing without a doubt that his gaze continued to follow the taxi long after I had turned back around.

I provide the taxi driver with my father's address, relieved that he called earlier to tell me that he was going to be at work until late; something that happens quite often and I'm pretty sure had a lot to do with my parents divorce. Suddenly, I feel 17 years old again; standing next to an ambulance, watching my future slip away from me. If possible, it hurt more this time. This is what it felt like when I was ripped from heaven. I had hoped, prayed, dreamed, and wished that one day Angel would become human. When Giles told me of the Shanshu prophecy, one part of me rejoiced and thanked God for proving that he hadn't decided to make my life his own private tragedy while the other part of me was unable to believe it. Now, only moments ago, the proof stood before me and was then taken away faster than I was able to react. Once again, heaven stood before me and was then ripped from my grasp.

A part of me wanted to damn the fates. Why would they make my soul-mate someone I was never meant to have? Angel was my comfort in this cold, dark world, a beacon of light shining bright and reminding me that I wasn't alone in this fight. Now he's gone. I realize bitterly, however, the fates had no part in it this time. Even though everything within me was screaming that some darker power was behind this, I knew it wasn't true. Angel had chosen not to come to me. I love him more than the air I breathe and when things had finally come to the point that we could be together, he had chosen someone else.

I hadn't even noticed that we had pulled up to my father's house until the cab driver turned to look at me expectantly. Looking out the side window, I realized that this house I had grown up in seemed foreboding for some reason. This had once been my home and now, without Angel at my side, I would never find home again. Handing the driver fare plus tip, I grabbed my suitcase and headed up the front steps, thinking that a house would never again feel like a home because there was no longer someone out there named Angel, who loved me.


	4. Chapter 4

As I sat in the upstairs bedroom that I used to call my own I could feel myself getting restless. My entire world had come crashing down on me today and being the slayer, I had the insistent need to pummel something. I had already called the airport and purchased a return trip to Rome for tomorrow morning. Until then, I had hours to waste and only one way I could think of wasting them. Grabbing a bag of slaying supplies, I figured a few less vampires in L.A. certainly wouldn't be a bad thing.

Walking through the streets, I found myself instinctively going to a few of my old slay spots. There was a night club approximately 10 minutes away from my father's house that used to be a rather hot spot for vampire activity. Luckily, it still was and I managed to get in quite a good fight with three vampires waiting in a back alley for an unlucky soul who happened to wander in the wrong direction. Lucky for me, it didn't appear that they had nabbed anyone yet. Unlucky for them, I was the first one to wander their way.

When I began making my way toward one of the nearby cemeteries, I momentarily enjoyed the distraction from the ongoing disaster that is, was, and probably always will be my love life and savored the adrenaline boost. For a while, I considered going back to Rome tomorrow and accepting Jason's proposal. After further consideration, however, I decided instead, to return home tomorrow and call everything off. My heart belonged to Angel, however pathetic that may be, and if I were to marry Jason, I wouldn't be true to myself or him. Jason was a great guy and I didn't want to hurt him, but I couldn't marry him when I didn't love him. That wasn't fair to him and he deserved better.

The cemetery was relatively quite, in the way that only a slayer could appreciate. There were no graves waiting for newly risen vampires to wake up from them and the remainder of the already risen undead seemed to be taking a night off – from this cemetery at least. Setting my bag of Slayer necessities on a nearby headstone, I hopped up next to it and took a moment to reflect on how truly miserable I felt. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised that Angel had moved on. It's not like I made any signs that I was waiting for him. After he left Sunnydale, I had attempted to move on and find someone new.

First there had been Scott. He was sweet enough but certainly not long term material. Then there had been Parker. Big mistake – 'nuf said. Then Riley, who would have been perfect had he met my demands of being a completely and absolutely normal person and like Angel at the same time; because that's likely! For a while after that there was no-one I was romantically involved with; not until Spike that is. Spike was different than any of the others. Spike allowed me to have a little bit of Angel along with someone I knew would never leave me. I knew that no matter what, Spike would stay with me to the end. He would never leave me standing alone, watching as he disappeared from sight. And he knew I didn't love him and accepted it as such; never wavering in his dedication to me, regardless of how I truly felt. He allowed me to use him because he knew I needed to.

In the end however, it all came back to Angel. I guess I figured he would always be waiting in the wings for me to come back to him. I had assumed that when he showed up before the final battle in Sunnydale I had managed to show him how much I still needed him while telling him I wasn't ready to need someone that much yet. I had waited too long and now it was too late.

A movement to my left caught me slightly off guard but recovering I continued to act as if I were still lost in my thoughts, figuring if it's a vampire it would think it had caught an unsuspecting female off guard; which it almost had. After a few moments, I realized that the creature apparently wasn't going to make any movements to attack but continued to remain in the shadows. Realizing what I probably should have realized before; a small tingling sensations was slowly making its way up my spine, an all too familiar feeling when a very certain someone was in the area. "You didn't have to come here. You don't owe me anything." I said off into the nothingness, only loud enough for the ears in the darkness to hear. I couldn't help the small smile that played across my face as Angel stepped out of the shadows.


	5. Chapter 5

Angel stepped out of the darkness but kept quite a bit of distance between us. My heart started fluttering as he neared me. Chastising my body's response to his proximity I momentarily wondered if he would always have this control over me. "I didn't come because I thought I owed you anything." The words came out so quietly that even with my heightened Slayer senses I wondered if I had heard anything at all.

Pulling my legs under me so that I sat Indian style, perched rather precariously on the top of the tombstone, I gained all of my mental strength and decided it was now or never to get some type of closure. If Angel was going to move on with his life, I figured the best he can do is answer some of my questions and help me accept it. Taking in a deep breath, I attempt to make myself feel larger and stronger, squaring my shoulders and sitting up straight. "When did you stop?" I ask, unable to complete the thought. I figure he always seemed to know what was going on in my head, what I was thinking, what I meant; so I didn't feel the need to elaborate. The questioning look on his face told me otherwise, however, so as much as I knew the question would hurt, it had to be asked.

"When did you stop loving me?" The question came out far more emotional than I had hoped it would. I didn't want him to know how much this was hurting me. I'm the Slayer, I'm supposed to be tough; both physically and emotionally. "Did you ever actually really love me?" I ask, pushing forward, thankful that this question came out far more confidently.

His head snapped up, looking as thought I had just somehow managed to slap him from 10 feet away. I immediately regretted asking those questions, but I was hurting and my entire life has involved fighting. I had been trained since 15 that if someone hurts you, make sure you hurt them back twice as much. It's how a Slayer survives. That isn't called for in this situation, though. This isn't about the Slayer, it's about Buffy – no more or less a girl than anyone else on the planet with emotions and feelings much like everyone else. I suddenly feel about 2 feet tall.

Those dark brown eyes, seeming no less tortured or brooding than they were before he became human, meet mine for what seems like an eternity before he begins walking toward me very slowly. "Is that what you think Buffy?" he begins, "You think that I don't love you anymore, that perhaps I never loved you?" We sit in silence for a moment as I begin to think that perhaps he hadn't intended the question to be rhetorical. He had wanted an answer, I figure, and as I begin to find my words he cuts me off and continues on. "You show up on my doorstep, unannounced mind you, and then run off before I can even talk to you? What are you doing here? What were you expecting?"

My blood begins to boil as I jump down off of the tombstone. So he was mad, I get that, but how dare he come here and begin arguing with me. "I, I," I suddenly realize that I have no idea what I had come here expecting. Anger subsiding, I let out a deep breath I hadn't know I was holding and suddenly feel defeated; some warrior, huh? "I don't know what I was expecting. You, I guess. I guess I was expecting you, waiting for me, wanting me, loving me. I didn't mean to intrude on your life Angel. I'm sorry I even came here."

I turn around and start walking away. I had already caused enough ripples in his life and figured it was time for me to make my exit before I make anymore. "Remember when you told me that all you could see in your future was me?" I hear his voice ask and I turn to look at him. Apparently he had begun walking right after I did as there was no further distance between us.

I smirk a bit into the darkness. Of course I remember saying that. I had meant it at the time and still do. I wasn't ready to go back down that road though. I was trying to be the big one here and walk away, why was he making it so difficult. Averting his question, I look back up at him through slightly tear soaked eyes. "When did you become human?"

Knowing full well that I'm avoiding his question, he turns and leans up against the tombstone I had previously been perched on. "It was about two years ago. After the big battle, the one you sent all of those slayers to help with," he looks at me sideways, a small smirk playing on his features "apparently that battle fulfilled the Shanshu prophecy." He looks thoughtful for a moment, "It wasn't right after the battle though. Probably about six months after the fight I woke up one morning and didn't feel the demon in me. I went to the Oracles and they told me this would be the last time I would be allowed to see them. I had fulfilled my destiny. They told me that the demon was gone and that I was human; free to walk in the daylight, free to grow old with those that I loved."

"What about your strength and healing?" I interject, "Last time you were made human you made them reverse it because you weren't as strong as you had been. You couldn't protect people anymore," I paused a moment, "couldn't protect me." Then, of course, only after I had stopped speaking, did I remember that I wasn't supposed to know about that day. "When I was in heaven," I began as way of explanation, "I knew everything, I saw everything, I was finally aware of what you had given up to keep me safe." The tears were coming more freely now; damn emotion!

His arms were around me in a moment, enveloping me in his warm embrace. He spoke softly into my hair, "They let me keep the strength and healing. They said that they knew I wouldn't keep out of the fight and that heaven wasn't ready for me yet." He pulled back slightly and with a finger under my chin raised my face to meet his. "How can you think I don't love you? I was born to love you Buffy; made to love you. Long before you were ever born our souls were already entwined."

He didn't need to tell me why he didn't let me know about being human. Without really knowing, I somehow understood; I would never be able to explain it if I was asked to, but that wasn't what mattered. "And Nina fits into this how?" I ask into his chest, not willing to let go just yet, not willing to release him when I felt so close to finally having him again.

I can feel him smile into my hair, "you had Spike, I had Nina. Being with her never changed how much I love you. She knew what she was getting into when she and I started things. She knew my heart would never belong to her." When I took a step back to look at him I saw nothing but love shining in his eyes and I believed him. I was about to step back in his embrace when I felt the sharp slicing pain of a cross bow bolt tear through my abdomen. And everything went black.


	6. Chapter 6

I woke up surrounded by white fluffiness. For a moment I consider that perhaps I was back up in heaven, but the realization kicks in that this whiteness doesn't seem very cloud-like; actually, it seems rather pillow and sheet like. Attempting to shift myself on the bed to take in my surroundings, a sudden pain shoots through my stomach and a small yelp elicits from my mouth. Looking down, I see that while I may still have on the pants I was wearing earlier in the day, I'm now wearing an extremely large black T-shirt. Pulling up at the hem, I look at the right side of my abdomen, covered in a slightly blood soaked bandage, but cleaned with care and precision, and smile. Angel.

The sudden smell of something burning followed by an extremely large bang draws me out of my thoughts and I gingerly lower myself from the bed and begin making my way toward the noise. As I walk I can't help but take in my surroundings and I realize that this is not the apartment I had originally come to L.A. to find him in. The building I am in more closely resembles a house and is anything but small; decorated with elaborate detail and design. Walking around to the right I find myself confronted with a sight I couldn't have imagined in my wildest of dreams. My poor Angel, apparently attempting to cook some sort of sustenance, is standing in the middle of a very losing battle with his kitchen. Off to the right of the counter is a pot of rice, spilled on the floor, and I'm assuming the source of the loud bang I heard earlier. The oven door is open and billowing out black smoke like some sort of newly awoken dragon whose fire isn't quite as effective as it used to be.

Angel himself is doing some sort of ceremonial food cooking dance behind the large island cupboard while attempt to pull the burnt meat type substance out of the oven; I'm assuming the cause of all the smoke. Walking around the side of the island, unnoticed thanks to my Slayer stealthiness, I find that the cause of the dance is the hot water streaming out of the spilled pot of rice. The second the meat hits the countertop he jumps out of the scalding water and, unknowingly, directly into me. Luckily we both have amazing agility, however, and we both manage to stay standing. Looking at me sheepishly, Angel glances back at the disaster of a kitchen and then back to me once again. "I've recently discovered that I really like food and figured that you probably do too. Problem is, I don't know how to cook any of it. I usually go out and bring food back in, but since you were here and injured, I didn't want to leave. I figured it couldn't be that hard to make a roast with rice. I was wrong."

With a shy smile, Angel grabs my arm and leads me over to the couch one room over and makes me sit down. "How are you feeling?" He asks, his hands lifting up the hem of the shirt and inspecting the wound. "I did the best I could to dress it. Luckily it doesn't look like it anything major." I can feel my skin humming from his touch.

"What happened?" I question, shaking my head a bit to try and clear the cobwebs. "I remember that we were talking, then pain, then nothing."

Angel looks at me with genuine concern. "You were hit by a crossbow bolt. You hit the ground pretty quickly, I wasn't even sure what happened, but once I made sure you were still alive, I tried to see where the attack came from but, whoever they were, they were gone."

I could see the worry lines start to make their way across his forehead and around his eyes. Putting a hand on his, I attempt to reassure him. "It takes a lot more than a crossbow bolt to kill me, Angel. Anyway, I'm not planning on going anywhere now that I finally have you back. I do have you back, right?"

A small smile plays across his lips as he settles back into the couch, pulling me onto his lap and cradling me to his chest as he remains ever careful of my injury. "I never truly left," he whispers into my neck as he pulls me into his embrace. Our lips meet with a sweet apprehension, reacquainting ourselves before the kiss becomes more passionate. In a heartbeat I remember exactly what Heaven had been like and tears easily find their way from my eyes. This kiss was both an ending and a beginning; it begged for forgiveness and offered security; expected nothing and promised everything.

The annoying buzz of the 'emergencies only' cell phone that I always carried incase Willow needed me drew us apart and after looking at him, longing to be back in his arms, I pulled myself from the couch and grabbed my bag from the foot of the bed in his room.  
"You have really bad timing for an emergency Wills." I say into the phone, surprised by the lighthearted nature of my voice, a tone I hadn't heard since I was 18 or 19.

"Buffy, it's Giles. We have a bit of an emergency here. I'm afraid that you might be in danger." His panicked tone immediately grabbed my attention and the thoughts of Angel and I on the couch were grudgingly moved to the back-burner of my mind.

"What's going on Giles? Where's Willow?" I felt the panic begin to rise in my voice but I was quickly calmed as Angel came up behind me and placed both of his hands on my shoulders. Leaning back into him I took a deep breath and started over. "What kind of an emergency Giles? What's happening?"

I could almost hear Giles take the glasses off of his nose and begin wiping them on his shirt. Old habits die hard, I guess. "There was an attack on the facility. Things came in from every side. Some of them didn't make it Buffy," he said, referring to the Slayers in Training, the SIT's, "but a lot of them did. We don't know anything about the girls that were out on patrol yet. Willow's trying to sense them as we speak."

There was serious apprehension in that man's voice and I immediately know that there's something he's not telling me. Saddly, that usually means that things are worse than he's trying to make them appear. "Spill, Giles. Now is not the time to start sugar coating things again." I move over to the bed and sit down Indian style. Angel sits next to me, leans his back against the wall, and pulls me to sit in front of him; his chest as my backrest. I had a feeling this was going to be a long conversation.

After listening to Giles rambling on for nearly 20 minutes about things I wouldn't have understood any better had I been in front of him; not an ocean away, my patience began to wear thin. "Give it to me straight Giles, what aren't you telling me?" His voice goes silent on the other end and for a few minutes I would have sworn he had hung up on me.

"It really would be best if you were here. Can't you come in so that we can talk about this in person?" he pleads, I quickly make a mental note: Giles was asking instead of commanding. Apocalypse. Definitely.

"That really isn't possible right now, Giles. It would take me about 10 hours to get there." Silence on the other end. I had him confused now. "I'm in L.A. Giles. I came to see Angel."

Again, I knew he was wiping his glasses. "You could extend at least the smallest amount of courtesy by keeping me updated with your whereabouts. I know that you may not feel that you need to have a watcher anymore, but the reality is, I am still your Watcher and you should treat me as such." I can hear the wind deflate from his sails a bit and then talking in the background. I'm pretty sure I hear Willows voice there now, she sounds slightly alarmed. I could hear a few random 'Oh dear's' as Giles attempted to keep his mouth from the receiver.

"It's bad Buffy," Willow's voice said into the receiver, bringing my attention back at full force "I don't know what Giles has already told you, but we were attacked and they only went after the Slayers. No one else was hurt, and eventually they gained an upper hand, but a lot of them were killed and that's only here where they were in quantity. I just did a scan of all the SIT's and I'm not getting a reading on more than half of them." Her attention is distracted for a moment as I hear Xander in the background 'Tell her about the surviving bad guy' he says and Willow comes back to the receiver without missing a beat. "They managed to keep one of the attackers alive. He has a ring, Buffy. He's from the Order of Taraka, those guys we fought when Kendra first came around. With a spell we managed to find out that they have been hired to eliminate Slayer's, as in plural."

I begin to feel my world spin as the gravity of this situation fully sinks in. Slayer's are being attacked and a lot of them don't even know how to defend themselves yet. Hell, I'm the 'Super Slayer' as Xander likes to call me and even I was caught off guard. This was really happening, I realized, it's the reason I was almost killed. "Who's doing this Will? Who hired these guys?"

There's a long sigh on the other end before Willow begins again. "We don't know. The only thing we could get is that apparently the person who hired them said that it is against the natural laws of the universe to have more than one Slayer awoken at a time so the entire order of Taraka has been hired to destroy as many Potentials as possible; their order; kill them until only one is left standing or everyone's dead and the next is called. They're going after every slayer that we woke, Buffy." There's a long pause on the other end of the phone but I know she isn't done. "I didn't want to tell you this over the phone, but Buffy, Faith's missing. I can't sense her"


	7. Chapter 7

Angel and I wait in the 'new arrivals' section of LAX for Willow, Xander, Giles and an exorbitant number of SIT's to make their way to the tarmac. After my conversation with Willow, Angel and I sprang into action and began calling and tracking down ever Slayer or Potential in the US that we knew of or that Willow could sense. I know that there are other Potentials out there that we can't sense or find that have no idea that they are targets and I accept that we have no way to contact or find them. It has taken a lot of years and a lot of losses to come to terms with the fact that I can't save everyone. 'Shades of gray' I began telling myself, 'sacrafice is necessary if it serves the greater good.'

For the remainder of the time, as we waited for Willow and the others to arrive, we worked on acquiring a facility large enough to house at least 700 people. After spending several hours taking over intercontinental phone lines I decided it would be best if we get everyone in one location. By everyone, of course, I meant _everyone_ and that included every Potential, SIT, and Slayer out there. I decided that since the largest population of Potentials and Slayers is in the United States, it will be easier to bring the other's here than vice-versa

As I stand and stare out the large window overlooking the runway, I'm rather amazed at how quiet the airport is. Currently there are only about 10-15 people in this area, either awaiting the arrival of their loved ones or waiting to board their own flight. A rather loud shuffling of feet coming down the terminal gate pulls me out of my thoughts and I realize that a large personal plane has taken residence in the previously large void in front of the window.

I move over to Angel's side as he stands at the bottom of the ramp. I can see his shoulders tense. I assume that nearly a hundred years as one of the most hunted vampires of all times has probably left him a bit uncomfortable with the idea of being in an area surrounded by Slayers. Human or no, time does leave its mark. I give his hand a reassuring squeeze and take a moment to plant a small, chaste kiss on his lips before turning my attention back to the ramp, watching as Willow, Xander, and Giles head up the procession nearing the receiving area.

The moment Willow and Xander step food in the airport I grab them both in large hugs, beaming at the idea of us being back in America together, even if it is under dire circumstances. They both return my hug but suddenly Xander becomes very tense so I break the embrace and look to him, seeing his gaze trained on Angel. My eyes instinctually travel to Giles and see him with much the same expression as Xander. I know that Giles has never been comfortable with Angel, not since Angel's demonic side, Angelus killed the woman he loved, Miss Jenny Calendar.

Walking to Angel's side, he wraps his arms lovingly around me and stands me in front of him. For a moment I question where this is meant as an endearing movement or if he is unconsciously trying to position me between my friends and him. As I begin to answer their unspoken question, Xander jumps in and cuts me off, unbidden anger flaring behind his eyes. "What's _he_ doing here?" Xander has never been able to forgive Angel for his demon's past actions.

"He's human now Xander." I look at him with pleading eyes, silently begging him to finally let the past be past. Xander stares at Angel for a moment, deep thought processing behind his chocolate eyes. For a moment I begin to wonder if I will have to choose which one of them to protect from the other when a large smile spreads across Xander's face. "So, you're perma-soul boy now, eh?"

I sigh in relief as I feel Angel relax behind me. I then look over to Giles and see a completely unreadable expression on his face. Again, I feel tense as out of everyone here, Giles has the most reason to hate Angel. I only wish they were able to differentiate between him and the demon. It's not Angel's fault they both wear the same face. It's my turn to smile, however, as Giles steps forward and extends his hand to Angel. "Shanshu, I assume." Angel nods as he shakes Giles' hand. "If anyone deserves it," Giles says, clasping his free hand on top of Angels, offering a sign of acceptance, "it's definitely you."

Looking over Xander's shoulder, I see Willow giving me two very large thumbs up and beaming with happiness for me. Looking beyond her, however, I see more than a hundred very uncomfortable looking SIT's. I look back to the others, "Perhaps we should move to a more conducive environment." And nod toward the SIT's.

Once again taking a moment to look over the group I briefly turn my attention back to Giles. "Where's Dawn?" I question, standing on tip toe to take in the heads of the nearly 250 women.

"She decided to stay in Rome." Giles replies, stealing a glance over my shoulder at Angel who is currently busy conversing with Willow. "David became concerned when we advised him that we were all leaving the facility and heading to America. He wanted to come along so Dawn figured it would be in everyone's best interest if she stay behind to soothe his nerves and allow us time to deal with our current situation prior to you handling your, ahem, apparently personal ones." The last statement is said as his eyes once again level on Angel.

Deciding that now is not the time to get into my personal issues with Giles, I give him a quick nod, inwardly thanking Dawn for her discretion, and then turn on my heels, throwing a quick "Follow me." Over my shoulders toward the group and begin leading them through the baggage claim and out to the row of busses we rented for toting everyone around.

The artificial caterpillar of busses effectively makes it's way across Los Angeles and to the outskirts of town and the large warehouse we rented for this occasion. Barely anyone spoke on the way here and those that did only seemed to speak in hushed tones to the two or three people nearest them. I took a seat at the front with the rest of the initial Scooby Gang and quietly discussed the current situation. I know there is a lot for us to talk about, but formalities can be left behind and catching up will take place later, once we've solved the problem and ensured that more people will survive to live another day. That's what our lives have become now; fight now, talk later. I guess we've figured that leaving the personal stuff for later makes it seem less likely that there won't be a later.

When we pull up to the warehouse there are endless rows of cars, buses, and vans parked in the lot, signaling the already present Slayer population within its walls. The Scooby's and I file off the bus first, standing outside to watch as the army of lethal females files off the bus and begins making their way indoors. After the last of the Potentials makes their way indoors the five of us stay outside for a moment, taking a moment to prepare ourselves for the long night ahead.

I know that almost every single one of the Potentials, SIT's, and Slayer's inside have been attacked at some point in the last 48 hours and have lived to tell; a step above and beyond what I, myself, had almost brought to the table. Had Angel not been there, well, I hate to think about what would have happened had Angel not been there. I'm pretty sure things wouldn't have turned out quite so rosy.

"What I don't understand," Xander says, pulling me from my thoughts, "is how these demons knew where all of these girls were going to be. I mean, what, had they been tracking them or something? Buffy was all the way here in L.A. and they still managed to find her."

Taking off his glasses, Giles begins rubbing them between the cleansing cloth in his ever-so-famous manner. "I really don't know, Xander. Perhaps we have a traitor, so to speak, within our midst." Placing the glasses back in their rightful spot, he looks the group once over, his gaze ending on me. "What I do know is that we lost far too many innocents tonight. Many had never even see the battlefield but lost their lives regardless, just due to who they are. We must find a way to end this hunt."

Willow's head perks up at the idea of formulating a plan. "I've actually been thinking a lot about that. Eight hour plane ride and all; I think I may have an idea for a spell. It still has a lot of kinks in it and could end up killing everyone if I don't work it out right, but I'm still working on it." She looks proudly at the group, as if the idea of possibly killing everyone is just a small glitch. God I love Willow. "I'll let you know if I figure something out." she finishes.

"What I do know," I interject, taking a confident step forward, "is that we currently have a missing Slayer, something like 700 nervous semi-Slayers, and the five best problems solves and fighters the world has ever seen." I square my shoulders and grab Angel's arm for reassurance, looking to each of them in order to drive my point home. "We've fought gods, closed Hellmouths, slain an uncountable number of vampires, and managed to live to tell about it. We can figure this out. We always do." I move my gaze to Xander for a moment. "What was it you always said Xander?"

He looks contemplative for a moment and then a wide smile spreads across is face, looking up triumphantly. "We find, you slay, we party!" His eyes gleam at me in a way I haven't seen in years. Apparently something about America makes it seem as though we're all 17 years old again.

"You're damn straight!" I cheer back, grabbing Angel's arm and motioning toward the warehouse. "Now, we have one hell of a long night ahead of us. We're going to figure out what to do about this and then we're going to do it. Now, Xander." I look at him seriously "This is going to require some of your best work yet. We have nearly 700 people here and we are in need of some major snackage. Are you up to the task?"

He mock salutes me, his face matching mine in seriousness. "Yes, Buffy. I won't let you down. You can count on me."


End file.
